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We all hate you fat cyclist

I hate MAMILs and the witless jokes people make them.  I hate cycling shoes and the those who think that complaining about ‘tippy-tap’ walking in cafes is funny or illuminating.

I hate cafes and the way people sit around in them and socialize, sometimes in cycling clothes.

I hate pathetic people who think it’s smart to repeat these boring lines about cyclists and pretend they’re new and clever.

I hate fat cyclists and the fact that they’re even making an effort to stay fit. Shouldn’t they be on the couch with everyone else? Next to the boring bloated bodies connected to the dull mouths of people who make these witless statements about cyclists?

I hate carbon bikes that cost more than a family holiday to Bali, ridden by men who can afford them, and the nasty-minded people who think this is their business to decry.

I hate cyclists riding two abreast on quiet streets in the normal legal manner. It bores me listening to the loud-mouthed people who have to tell me their petty complaints about slowing down momentarily to accommodate these people and their amiable riding styles.

I hate slowing down. It’s time I’ll never recover. My car doesn’t a pedal that actuates a valve in my engine that increases fuel flow, surging the car forward, effortlessly regaining those lost moments. And it’s always for cyclists. I never have to slow down for other cars or traffic lights. I hate that I’m losing entire fragments of my precious time behind cyclist in what is otherwise a smooth and eventless traverse from point A to destination B. I hate that, and I hate how often this is assumed to be my fault because I once cycled too.

I really hate cafes . Oh, I mentioned this already. I should clarify though, I don’t hate all cafes. For me they’re perfectly amiables places to sip cold filtered coffee and eat cronuts. I only hate the ones with cyclists in them. I’m offended by their conviviality, their clothes, their shoes. And the fact they may get back on their bikes again.

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