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Let’s go Tour de Francing 101

Its Tour de Francing time again. And you need to learn the lingo right now or yous’ll look like a bloody goose. Or worse. A mountain biker. That’s why I’ve prepared this handy guide to talking roadie lingo. In the official language of the Tour of Frances.

Bidon

You’d probably call this a water bottle if you weren’t a proper roadie. You can call it a bidon now.

In a sentence. My dog doesn’t come when he’s bidon. Or. Bullshit wank bidon bike.

Gillette

A friend of mine use this in conversation the other day. I was so embarrassed for him. Taking his shaver out on a ride. Apparently it’s a little rain jacket. Fuck me.

In a sentence. Wow that’s a fancy looking plastic mac. I know, it’s a gillette.

Peloton

Official wanker word for a bunch of cyclist during the month of Francey.

In a sentence. I went peletoning with a bunch of guys on the weekend. We stopped for croissants about a mile out of town. Mick got out his Gillette and shaved his legs.

On The Rivet

I know, not actually a word. It’s a phrase. But Paul Sherwin’s going to say it about a hundred times and only explain it maybe fifty. It’s a term that relates to back in the day when saddles were actually… [falls asleep mid sentence].

Maillot Jaune

Pronouned my-oh yawn. Translates as yellow t-shirt. You get one of these if you’re leading the race.

Polka Dot Jersey

It is what it sounds like. For some reason it’s not French. These shirts are given out to the skinniest guy out peletoning.

In a sentence. Who’s the guy in the spots?

Green Jersey

Hey, speak French already. The official language of the Touring of Frances.

In a sentence. Green jersey mate.

Musette

Thank you! The musette is a bag of food. It’s the most simple bag imaginable. When you’re young and impressionable you ride around with these and they swing in front of you all the time and get in the way of cycling. Professionals eat the foot and chuck em.

A musette is also sometimes a little canvas army bag. Because, I guess, we fought in Europe. But then you get Korean era musettes. Which is confusing.

In a sentence. Phil Liggett’s commentary is musette to my ears.

Baguette

Colloquial expression for winning.

In a sentence. He’s the strongest in the break-away and I think he could baguette.

Domestique

Saucey French exchange student. She’s meant to be eighteen but looks much older. Wears inappropriately revealing clothing. Or that’s how it was in the video I saw.

In a sentence. Is that dog domestiquated?

I hope that helps. Now get out in full team regalia and go for a training ride.

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