Death to All Cyclist!

Some moron touched Warnie’s car and now death is too good for him. Too bloody right too. Everyone knows how fragile cars are.

Recent studies have shown that the naked hand can cause untold damage to the fragile egos that reside inside cars. Sometimes what seems like a simple knock with naked flesh against solid metal can cause the occupants to explode in rage. Just like Warnie did.

Warnie has nothing against cyclist.We know this because he said as much himself. Just like, you know, Bradley Smith has nothing against Jews. What disappoints Warnie about cyclists is their “attitude”. Like many of us, Warnie would be more comfortable sharing the road with cyclist if they properly deferential, meek and cringing. A Mercedes is a statement of wealth and class and a proper amount of awe would go a long way toward massaging his fragile ego. I mean, what’s the point of being stuck on stop-start traffic in an expensive vehicle if some turd of a cheap bike can roll so effortless and arrogantly past you?

Shane Warne makes a bold call for bicycle registration, something that might be scoffed at by those with more than two neurons to rub together but is obviously a long overdue way of bringing these over-confident, strutting and reckless cyclists down to earth. Once we get regos on bikes we can dob them into the cops for touching other people’s cars and bring to a halt this dangerous habit. Might not sounds like much, touching another mans’ car, but it’s a thin edge of the wedge thing. If you can’t stop cyclist from  touching cars the uppity pricks will want to touch everything and pretty soon and your women won’t be safe. I can’t imagine Liz Hurley getting touched up by some lowlife cyclists and enjoying it. She’s strictly into bowlers.

No doubt Warnie, like me, is concerned for the safety of the most vulnerable of road users. That is, pedestrians. Every year several hundred people get killed trying to cross the roads in Australia (and sometimes the vehicles leap onto the footpath and kill them there). Of these deaths, almost 100% are accounted for by cars. (There was that moron cyclist in Melbourne last year — or the year before? — who killed an old guy at a crossing. The cyclist was part of a bunch now infamous for their recklessness.) Clearly what the figures show is that cyclists are dangerous lunatics who will kill everyone if we let them. They might be under-represented at the moment but they’ve already started touching cars and pretty soon it’ll be like Death Race 2000 on bikes out there.

Those of you who lived through year 2000 will know that the movie above is an uncannily accurate portrayal of pedestrian safety concerns in the modern era. Now just imagine the horrible consequences of arming the death racers with bicycles!

I’m just glad that a bowler has had the guts to stand up and speak out against the sneaky pricks that ride bikes in this country and I can only wonder why more cricketers haven’t taken on this issue. Our current captain is supposed to be a leader of the best team in the nation and yet he hasn’t even mentioned cyclists yet. I’m hoping that tomorrow he issues a statement at the very least. Sadly Warnie is a lone voice from within cricket circles against the cyclist who overtake you in traffic and….and…I’m sorry, I’m nearly speechless with rage…TOUCH YOUR FUCKING CAR! In fact, I can only wonder why Warnie didn’t try and run this guy over, like this guy did to me recently. Thinking back to that event now I can see what a bratty and emboldened cyclist I was and if I had the choice and I was that guy in the monster truck I’d run over that fragile cyclists who was me too. Death to cyclists Warnie! Welcome to the new revolution. Viva la car! Touch car my car again and I’ll…I’ll…report you to the police!

Ah, the perfection of good moral outrage. I’m all onboard now. Might get me one of those weird face lifts too.

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