Be Confident

I try to avoid instructional crap on this blog. If you don’t know how to change a tyre then Google it. Some other dullard will have made a video that takes about ten minutes to show you how to do a five minute job. I can’t, however, resist the urge to indulge a few words of “wisdom” on the matter or riding in traffic.

Cartards are meek and spineless beings taking advantage of being caged in a one tonne contraption to feel a little powerful. This brings out the worst in them and they act out all the petty urges that would be impossible in other aspects of life. They push in, they cheat, they rush to jump ahead in queues and they forget every courtesy they’re forced to follow out of the car. Slow and fat in real life, in a car they press the accelerator and feel the power and believe that that power is theirs.

The problem for a cartard is, having discovered power, or facsimile of it, for the first time in their life, they’re disappointed to find they’re on a level playing field with other cartards. That’s where the cyclist, the least threatening of vehicles on the road, become the focus of so much hatred and mindless aggression. Cartards do it because they can.  Because they need to. Because they’re witless, charmless and spineless. 

Showing weakness to these people is inviting them to feel some small minded importance and they will climb all over you in efforts to elevate themselves. It’s difficult for a cyclist to understand this mentality. Being the smallest element on the road gives us strength. We’re strong, agile, fast and confident as we seek the gaps and take advantage of the spaces the clumsy beasts in their metal cages can’t use. By being the smallest element in this drama we know that we must be the strongest and the best, otherwise how could we compete? The cartard mentality is the opposite. As they slop down yet more take-away food to pad out that enormous arse they cling to any hope that they’re not just insignificant small-minded beings stuck in a mindless world. When they see a bike salmon by denying every lie they’ve told themselves they know they must strike down this thing or forever live with the knowledge that they’re mean and inconsequential. 

The way to deal with cartards is by being confident. Know your place on the road and assume it. Go where you mean to go and go there directly without hesitation. Let your body language tell the cartards you’re in control, this space is yours and you’re not to be reckoned with. They’re timid beasts most of them and can be lead if you show some confidence. When necessary give them proper hand signals. Not that left and right bullshit, proper signals like back-off, don’t argue and don’t fucking forget it. If one more cartard tries to over-take me in a round-about I’m gonna hack off his/her side mirror with a U-lock. Or I could give them the “don’t argue, just back off” signal when approaching the round-about and avoid the problem before it occurs. Showing confidence and leadership on the road is a way of keeping the hapless cartards from their own mindless stupidity.

You’ll have to be aware that not all cartards are easily lead. The strongest of them won’t begrudge clear directions. If they’re assured of themselves they’ll recognise and appreciate your assuredness, appreciate knowing what you’re doing and will oblige you. Beware though because the weakest and most pitiful can throw a full blown tanty. If this happens the best thing to do is get the fuck off the road. If you feel the need to remonstrate with these lower life forms then wait till you catch up to them at the next set of lights.