Don’t be gay

Zip ties in your helmet are gay. Not the kind of gay like my gay friends are gay. The type of gay they wouldn’t touch because they have style and substance. Zip ties are gay like hybrid bikes, his and hers matching lyrcra cycling jerseys and anything cycle-related you buy at K-Mart.

Not only are they gay but they’re ineffective. Here’s the proof:


Being ineffective is part of the reason they’re so gay. But they’d be heaps gay even if they worked.Why? Because they look gay. They look so gay people in their cars sit there scoffing down there McBurgers, McFries and litre cokes with the doof-doof music pumping and know that no matter how gay they get they’ll always be able to make fun of cyclist.

We’d lure more people over to cycling if you got rid off the zip-tie people. Careful, modest, unpretentious people are killing cycling for the rest of us. Their bright-yellow vests, their left and right turn signals, their courteous behaviour, and particularly their zip-ties  all make cycling look so gay.


As a fellow cyclist I know I take the blame for everything ever other cyclist does. My friends report back to me on every infraction from every cyclist they see. On any given day I can tell you how many cyclist ran red lights or lounged in lycra in their cafes on the Gold Coast. These cyclists are giving cycling a bad name I’m told. Perhaps. In the same way that someone speeding in their WRX gives driving a bad name…and inspires dozens of other hot blooded young men to copy them.

It’s the contentious, careful, law-abiding cyclists who are preventing others from joining, not the law breakers. As a rule, if you’re not cycling and you’re in your late twenties, early thirties or beyond, you’re never going to take it up. Most of us cycle in our youth and give it up when we get a car. If we can bridge that gap between 17-20 and keep people on bikes then we’ll get more cyclist on our roads. And what kind of example do young men (in particular) and women follow? Well, it’s not the careful, plodding, socially obedient way. It’s not zip-ties and reflectors.

This is why we have to stop being so gay and get out there and set an example. Dress to impress, not for comfort. Go fast. Show some style. Break some rules. It’s for the greater good!

Magpies have style. For starters look at the way they dress. Classic black on white. They sing beautifully. They  And they’re not afraid to take on things twenty times their own size. We should admire the magpie and congratulate him for his style when he swoops, not cower from this little guy with the big heart. He’s not unlike the cyclist, taking on things so much bigger than himself every day. He’s like a jack russell with wings.

(This guy’s a little hero.)

As far as protecting ourselves from magpies, I usually find that the helmet itself is all the protection I need. It’s designed to protect my head and it’s meager contents from trauma during collision so it’ll certainly be bird proof.

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