Saving My Ass With Ass Savers

Can you see my mud guard?

Of course you can’t. I’m just being a smart ass. I can afford to be though because my ass is so dry. Here, take a look at the one on this bike.

I bought the Ass Savers some months back and have been waiting for an appropriate time to test them. We here in Queensland have been enjoying what is appropriately named the Dry Season. It’s distinguished from the Dry Season by virtue of the quantity of rain. (No-one said we were clever or creative with names.) But even the dry can be a little bit wet and the other night it pissed down. (If you’re not from Oz, pissing down is a colloquialism for lot’s of rain. The reference is pretty obvious.)

I played soccer and stopped for a beer as the rain gently fell. Then the heavens opened up and I stopped for a second and a third  and a fourth as I waited for the rain to abate. We moved our gear to higher ground and constructed canoes and levies and applied for government flood assistance as the rain truly dumped with a vigour usually reserved for our mid summer sub-tropical deluges.

Finally the rain eased off somewhat and I said, I’m going while the going’s good. As far as testing conditions for the Ass Saver I think the flooded conditions were a little beyond their purview. It certainly gave them a good try out but I really needed a proper mud guard for these conditions. And a pair of galoshes. And a car. I was pleasantly impressed by how it held up though. My ass was truly saved. My feet were soaked through. And my shorts were hanging down to my ankles.And my crotch was soaked through. But my ass was dry.

The following day it again briefly pissed down (with some hail mixed in for good measure), enough to leave the streets nicely damp, just enough to spray up and coat my ass. Unless I had an Ass Savers installed. Here the little fellas shined. I arrived to my destination without the zebra striped of mud up my ass.

(It’s a zonkey!)

Ass Savers can fold up out of the way when not in use. Just like on this bike:

When we were babies, our mummy kept our ass dry and clean. Sometime after we inherited that responsibility we failed as cyclists to keep that thing clean and dry. Mudguards were available, we just didn’t use them. Because they were big ugly and obtrusive. There is actually an Ass Savers installed on the bike above ready to pop out for ass saving duties when things turn a bit damp. I really hate having a wet ass and now I have a ass saving solution permanently installed on my bike.

The one on the other bike, here I’ll show you a photo…

(Yes, I only took two photos.)

…won’t tuck away for some obscure reason to do with the shape of the saddle. It’s not obtrusive though and flexes neatly when I collect it throwing a leg over (as opposed to a rack…which I can karate kick for years without really getting used to the notion of just how painful this will be if I don’t stop doing it).

Ass Savers only cost about ten bucks each and are the neatest way to keep your ass dry without messing up the carefully curated lines of your fixie.

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