1. Mountain Bike Kilt
I love mountain biking but for me there has always been something missing. While others dress up in their dedicated mountain bike gear I like to keep it real with board shorts and t-shirt. That was until I saw the mountain bike kilt. Imagine the unadulterated freedom of cycling in a kilt! My dad’s a Scot so in his honour I’d wear it the proper way, with nothing underneath, not like this wussbag with his cycle lingerie.
2. Cute Top Tube Bag
Why stick your purse in your pocket when you can Velcro it to your top tube? Plus you get to show the world how much you love Burberry.
3. Boob Shirt
Put your hand up if you own millions of ironic t-shirts. Counting, one, two, three, four…okay lots. Just about everyone now owns too many clever t-shirts. But you don’t own one that makes a bike joke at the expense of your boobs.
Perhaps bike t-shirts are a poor way of showing people you’re a cyclist when you’re not actually cycling, like bike tattoos but cheaper. Perhaps people will think, “Well they’ve driven their car to my picnic/acid rave/swingers festival* but they have a bike t-shirt so they must be cool cyclist peoples,” (* as applicable). Or maybe not. But who care right? So long as you’re making puns with your boobs your money is well spent.
4. Matching Seat and Tyre Warmers
Ever been in the pits at a Moto-GP race and wished your bike could have tyre warmers too? Me neither. But when I saw these matching faux fur tyre and seat covers I knew I wanted them. And they’re from New Mexico. Which, according to my ironic t-shirt, is cleaner than regular Mexico!
5. Unicorn Sweatband for Helmet
I’m not sure how my helmet sweats but when it does at least I’ll have a fancy sweatband to mop its brow. I’ve probably seen hundreds of unicorn sweatbands in my time but this one is the best. Look at the attention to detail. I’m sure those ears can practically hear. And the upturned ice-cream cone is a beautiful touch.
6. Wine Bottle Holder
We already have backpacks and panniers for porting your wine about safely but apparently they weren’t clever enough because they didn’t show the world what kind of urbane bike peoples you were. Why stash your precious drops in a bag when you can hang it perilously from your top tube?
I must admit I thought these things were pretty clever when I first saw them. They showed up in one of those handmade bicycle shows as a smart way to attract photographers and other media attention. I don’t think we were meant to take them seriously though. Cyclist can be so literal. You don’t think that when car manufacturers bolt a bicycle to their roof at a car show they ever expect anyone to actually ride it do you?
7. Secret Compartment
Do you want a secret compartment that screams, “Over here!” Well this is it. What appears as a useless extension on your stem actually comes equipped with “A Roll of 12 Pressure Sensitive Inner Tube Patches”. Now if it only had somewhere to stash your Pressure Sensitive Pumping Device and Bonded Metal Plastic Tyre Levers you’d be laughing.