What happens when cartards run for office

You gotta  worry when the cartards think they need their own member in government. But that’s exactly what the Australian Motoring Enthusiasts Party have done. They got some moron into the senate with just 0.5% of the vote.

I’m not sure why cartards feel they need representation in government. They half  own the country already. There’s hardly a single part of this country that isn’t criss-crossed with roads entirely dedicated to letting cars drive wherever they want whenever they feel like doing it. How these sobbing self-pitying morons feels they need representation is beyond me. It be like if some billionaire mining magnate wasn’t powerful enough but he also wanted to get a spot in the government. Oh wait, that happened too.

The great thing about the AMEP is they have no policies. I find that refreshingly honest. Unlike so many minor parties, who know almost nothing, AMEP aren’t too proud to admit their own laziness and ineptitude. It also means you can’t criticize their policies. For years people have been hounding the Greens about policy. Apparently if the Greens ran Australia they would ruin the country. Well that’s not likely to happen so it’s a bit silly to discuss it isn’t  it?  Being a party that doesn’t govern has the wonderful advantage that your policy never gets tested so you can say whacky things. Even the opposition say the craziest things with the very real possibility that they will get into power. And then they did! And now they have to do something about all this “stop the boats” crap without declaring war on Indonesia or causing a full scale revolt in our navy.

(AMEP website. It would be rude of me to make any comment…)

AMEP’s point of view is they’re in the senate and the senate is a house of review and they’ll review the shit out of stuff as it comes through. It’s not their bloody job to have policy. Too bloody right! Hard work all that policy. Gotta know stuff. Can’t be an ignorant self-serving cartard if you’ve gone and learnt too much.

They might not have policy but they do have a few ideas to guide their decisions when reviewing the hard work of their fellow parliamentarians. Conveniently, if you visit their website, most of the non-policy statements are summed up in just two lines. Here’s a statement from AMEP:

We are committed to improving national roads and highways. Often talked about and rarely actioned, the AMEP will commit to ensuring that fuel, registration and vehicle-associated taxes collected as a road-maintenance component are actually distributed to road funding with the focus on improving the standard of our national road system.

The poor daft ignorant fools. They’re swallowing that old line about car taxes being spent elsewhere. It’s actually the other way round. The money raised by rego and fuel taxes does not cover the cost of making and maintaining the roads. The Vic government has pledged $9 billion to build the East-West Link and the NSW government over $10 billion for extensions to the M4 and  M5, and that’s just for a couple new roads. Twenty billion! If those dickheads in the AMEP succeeded in making sure all money collected from cartards was used on roads, and only that money, then we’d have to shut down half their precious roads and cancel the planning on every freeway in the nation.

(“Who are youse guys calling a bogan?”)

What I like about these guys is pretty much every thought they have in their tiny brains contradicts the other. For instance, they’re against interference by government. You know, the guys who build all the roads.

We support the notion that society will be more respectful and dynamic if individuals and businesses assume personal responsibility of their lives and role in society; removing the need for government to waste time on the introduction of nanny-rules to protect ourselves from ourselves.

They’re also in favour of road safety. Perhaps if we stopped harassing people with speed cameras, vehicle roadworthy tests and that blood alcohol nanny-rule crap the world would be a safer place.

They do like roadworthy vehicles though:

More focus has to be placed on the safety and maintenance of our vehicles.

Yeah, more focus. Just less government involvement. More “personal responsibility”. I had a skinny bogan woman take a draw on her ciggy today and then abuse me with some foul mouth crap about my riding  and how I shouldn’t be allowed to breath. I doubt she takes personal responsibility for anything in her life. And there are plenty more like her out there. Excluding a small portion who spend everything on smokes and alcohol, they all have cars.

Pretty much every member of parliament knows what it’s like to be a driver. They sympathize and understand the plight of the poor down-trodden cartard. Almost none remember or understand anything about trying to commute or ride a bike on those roads with the mindless and dangerous cartards. What the senate really needs is the Fixies Unified for Cycling Knowledge party, or FUCK for short. FUCK could lounge around the senate in their skinny jeans complaining about the dismal coffee in the parliament cafe and generally just waiting to review other peoples policies, like AMEP but with tattoos.

(FUCK website.)

FUCK would hardly need a youth arm like the Young Libs or Young Labour because we are, apart from a few old turds like me, a young bunch to begin with. Nevertheless we’re a progressive organisation who want to help promote youth issues so we’ve got the Young Unified Operatives, or FUCK-YOU for short. The role of FUCK-YOU is to promote FUCK-YOU attitudes in the community and uphold FUCK values.

We’re strong on having  no policy like our car cousins but we’re going to have a few general ideas about our direction just like they do. Our belief is that cycle advocacy is a waste of time because it’s not like anyone is going to listen or care anyway. FUCK believes the only sensible response to all the gits who run you off the road, abuse you and later blame you for trying to ride on their roads is to say, “Fuck you,” and get on with your life.

FUCK advocate helping the pathetic fat beasts in their cumbersome boxes get everything they always wanted. In a “careful what you wish for because you might get it” line of thought we’re going to advocate for all the roads they ever wanted, for cheaper fuel and for every other advantage the whingeing self-centred morons think they need. Because there’s only one way this ends and that’s with gridlock. And there’s nothing safer for a cyclist than a gridlock. When the cars stop moving we’re at our best, weaving past the useless immobile cars. We’re also at our safest. Apart from the idiots who door us a stationary car is usually poorly placed for killing and maiming innocent cyclist and pedestrians. Really FUCK will just be a branch of AMEP because we all know that cartards are their own worst enemy.

If AMEP had any sense they’d spend all their time advocating for bicycles. The thing that makes getting about by car so inefficient is all the other people trying to do the same thing. If bicycles replaced a few cars then maybe they’d spend less time sitting in traffic listening to Lawsy on the radio and more time at their destination. In general though, cartards blame lack of infrastructure, laws, or even bicycles for their immobility. That’s because the average cartard has one characteristic beyond all others, the inability to accept “personal responsibility” for almost anything connected with their car. Like the 1,300 cyclist and pedestrians they killed last year. For contributing 16% of pollution emissions each year. For the My Family stickers they still have on their rear windows.

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