All hail the mighty magpie: 3 tips on coping with swooping season


Magpies are the best and bravest of Australians. Prepared to do almost anything to protect their family, they swoop a beast 100 times their size in nesting season. Half the people I know won’t even go into lockdown for 7 days without going completely fucking sooky-sooky-la-la.

Magpies are smarter, braver and better than you and me. Knowing that, we can prepare ourselves for swooping season with these three easy coping strategies.  

No1. Take a dose of cement.

Yeah, that’s right, take a dose of cement and harden the fuck up. Magpies have a job to do and you’re in the way. Don’t take it personally and don’t try and find some bigger reason to explain why you’re suffering this misfortune. The government isn’t behind it. The Chinese didn’t manufacture super-birds to swoop you. You’re just unlucky. Toughen the fuck up and deal with it.

Hardly anyone is injured by magpies anyway.

Sure, there are no hard and fast rules about who does get injured. Unlike corona, you can’t hide behind statistics saying only old people are effected.

Magpies don’t care, young or old, fit and healthy or underlying health conditions. They’re like the deltra strain of birds.

So you might become a statistic yourself. If that happens, console yourself with the knowledge that you’re one of only 0.00275% of people injured by magpies this year. Apparently that’s meant to help.

No2. Take an evidenced based approach.

You know how last year you filled your helmet with zip-ties? And magpies swooped your plastic porkupine head anyway? Well don’t fucking well do it again. 

This isn’t corona and you can’t just bullshit your way through it. All that fucking crap about how doctors are lying, the Chinese did it, the government wants to take our freedoms, a cabal of billionaires have conspired to reduce the world’s population… None of that will help you here.

Magpies aren’t taken in by that kind of hollow, crazy nonsense because magpies aren’t stupid.

Magpies are much smarter than people and regardless of your rhetoric, they’ll swoop you any time you come near their nest. 

You did the experiment, you wore the zip ties, and they didn’t work. It’s un-fucking-deniable. Move on.

No3. Make friends.

Magpies are smarter and better than normal people. Have you ever met a magpie spouting conspiracy theory bullshit? No. Of course not. They’re too smart. They’re inherintly good and noble creatures who don’t take solace in weird baseless ideas. 

But they do know their friends and they value them. To wit, if you feed a magpie, he/she will remember you. Unlike us, who can’t tell one magpie from another, and some don’t even consider the frailer members of their own family when deciding whether to get a vaccine or not, magpies have an amazing ability to remember people and show care and restaint.

Unlike people, magpies will not shit in their own nest nor bite the hand that feeds. 

Feed a magpie and it will not swoop you.

magpies feeding
If you're going to feed magpies, feed them food they eat. Not bread or minced meat. This isn't a PSA though, so just don't be a fucking moron okay.

Now fuck off

You’re done and dusted here. If magpies keep swooping you, just remember how awesome magpies are. Celebrate their bravery and give them a “Good onya little fella.” 

And try and be more like a magpie. Stay strong, be noble, think of your family, and stop believing in all that fantasy bullshit that’s fucking up the world right now.

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